Every relationship has its ups and downs, and conflict is inevitable. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and unmet expectations can arise, but what truly matters is how these conflicts are resolved—or if they are resolved at all. Unresolved conflicts, when left unaddressed, can fester, leading to resentment, emotional distance, and even the breakdown of a relationship. Learning how to deal with unresolved conflicts is crucial for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

In this post, we’ll explore the effects of unresolved conflicts, why they occur, and practical steps to address and resolve them, strengthening your connection with your partner.

The Impact of Unresolved Conflicts

Unresolved conflicts can have a lasting negative impact on a relationship. Over time, they can lead to emotional disconnection, mistrust, and lingering frustration. When disagreements or hurt feelings are not addressed, partners may feel misunderstood or neglected, which erodes intimacy and affection. These unresolved issues can grow like a slow burn, making future conflicts harder to handle.

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that couples who avoid dealing with conflicts are more likely to experience long-term dissatisfaction in their relationships . This dissatisfaction can lead to breakdowns in communication and decreased emotional and physical intimacy. In other words, avoiding conflict might feel easier in the short term, but in the long run, it creates bigger problems.

Why Do Conflicts Go Unresolved?

Unresolved conflicts usually happen for a variety of reasons, including fear of confrontation, poor communication skills, or a lack of understanding of how to navigate difficult conversations. Common reasons include:

• Avoidance of confrontation: Some individuals dislike conflict so much that they choose to avoid it altogether. This avoidance often leads to unspoken resentment that builds up over time.

• Inadequate communication: Many couples struggle to express their feelings in a clear and constructive way, leading to misunderstandings.

• Different conflict styles: One partner might prefer to confront issues head-on, while the other might need more time to process their emotions. Without communication, these differences can result in unresolved conflicts.

How to Deal with Unresolved Conflicts in a Relationship

Recognize the Problem

The first step in dealing with unresolved conflicts is acknowledging that there is an issue. Avoiding conflict doesn’t mean the problem goes away—instead, it’s often lurking beneath the surface, waiting to re-emerge at the slightest provocation.

Take a moment to reflect on whether there are recurring themes in your disagreements or if there are unresolved feelings that you’ve been brushing aside. Often, these feelings manifest in small ways, such as passive-aggressive comments, emotional withdrawal, or frequent irritation. Recognizing these signs is the first step toward addressing the deeper issues.

Create a Safe Space for Open Communication

Once you’ve acknowledged the unresolved conflict, the next step is to create a safe space for open communication. Both partners need to feel comfortable expressing their feelings without fear of judgment, criticism, or defensiveness. Compassion and patience are key to fostering this kind of environment.

Here are some tips for creating a safe space:

• Set aside time: Choose a quiet, distraction-free time to have a conversation. Avoid trying to resolve conflicts during emotionally charged moments or when either partner is feeling stressed.

• Use “I” statements: Express your feelings without blaming your partner. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard during our conversations.”

• Practice active listening: Truly listen to your partner’s perspective without interrupting. Summarize what they’ve said to ensure you’ve understood their point of view before responding.

By fostering open communication, you create an opportunity to address the underlying issues contributing to the conflict.

Address the Root Causes of the Conflict

Unresolved conflicts often linger because the core issue isn’t being addressed. For example, repeated arguments about household chores might really be about one partner feeling undervalued or overwhelmed. It’s essential to dig deeper and understand the emotional drivers behind the conflict.

Here’s how to uncover and address root causes:

• Ask open-ended questions: Rather than focusing on the surface-level issue, ask your partner how they’re feeling. Questions like, “Why do you think this issue keeps coming up?” can help reveal deeper concerns.

• Explore unmet needs: Often, conflicts arise because one or both partners feel that their needs aren’t being met. Identifying and discussing these needs can lead to a more satisfying resolution.

• Consider past experiences: Sometimes unresolved conflicts stem from past experiences or emotional baggage. If you or your partner have been hurt in the past, those unresolved emotions can resurface in current conflicts.

Addressing the root causes helps ensure that the same conflicts don’t continue to resurface.

Compromise and Find Solutions Together

Once you’ve identified the root of the problem, it’s time to work together to find a solution. Healthy relationships require compromise from both partners. This doesn’t mean one partner should give up their needs, but it does mean finding a middle ground where both people feel respected and heard.

When looking for solutions:

• Be flexible: Don’t expect to get everything your way. Be open to suggestions and willing to adjust your expectations.

• Consider each other’s needs: Focus on what’s most important to each of you. For example, if one partner values quality time and the other values personal space, discuss how to balance these needs.

• Collaborate on solutions: Instead of treating the conflict as a “me vs. you” situation, approach it as a problem you’re solving together.

Once a solution is agreed upon, it’s helpful to check in periodically to make sure both partners feel the solution is working.

Learn to Forgive and Let Go

One of the biggest barriers to resolving conflict is the inability to forgive and move forward. Holding onto past grievances keeps the conflict alive, even when the immediate issue has been addressed. Forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened; it’s about letting go of resentment and choosing to prioritize the health of the relationship.

Practicing forgiveness involves:

• Acknowledging the hurt: Both partners should acknowledge the emotional impact of the conflict and express genuine regret or apology where necessary.

• Committing to change: Forgiveness is easier when both partners demonstrate a willingness to learn from the conflict and avoid repeating the same mistakes.

• Releasing resentment: Let go of the desire to “win” or hold grudges. Focus instead on moving forward and healing together.

By practicing forgiveness, you allow space for healing and reconnection in your relationship.

Rebuild Emotional and Physical Intimacy

Unresolved conflicts often create emotional distance between partners. Once the conflict is addressed, it’s essential to rebuild that emotional connection through compassion and affection. Take time to reconnect, both emotionally and physically, to remind yourselves why you value each other and the relationship.

Physical intimacy plays a significant role in re-establishing closeness. Whether it’s through small gestures like holding hands, cuddling, or sharing intimate moments, rekindling physical touch can help bridge the emotional gap. For some couples, exploring new experiences in the bedroom—such as introducing a vibrator—can reignite passion and bring them closer together after a period of emotional distance.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

Sometimes, unresolved conflicts are too complex to navigate alone. If you and your partner find that conflicts are recurring or becoming more intense, it might be time to seek professional help. Couples counseling can provide a neutral space for both partners to express their feelings, with the guidance of a trained therapist who can offer tools for conflict resolution.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, couples counseling has been shown to help 70-75% of couples improve their relationship .

Conclusion: Navigating and Resolving Unresolved Conflicts

Unresolved conflicts can create emotional barriers and strain a relationship, but they don’t have to signal the end. With patience, open communication, and a willingness to address the root causes of the conflict, couples can navigate through their issues and come out stronger on the other side.

By learning to compromise, practicing forgiveness, and focusing on rebuilding intimacy, you can turn conflict into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. Remember, no relationship is perfect—what matters is how you handle the inevitable challenges and work together toward a solution.